well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
