If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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