Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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