nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
