whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
