the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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