I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
