When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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