Everything about him screamed your future.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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