fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
