Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
