i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
