My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
