You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
