Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
