She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
