There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
