I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
