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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
