You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
