peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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