Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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