Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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