I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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