he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
