Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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