Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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