1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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