I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
