omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
