Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
