You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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