i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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