Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
