Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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