I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
