I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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