I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
