I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha