Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
