i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
