at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
