You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
