You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
