in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
