I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
