I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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