Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
