I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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