I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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