just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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