I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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