i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
