So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
