as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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