I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
