I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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