I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
