her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
